Peeking My Head Out of the Hole

Hello! Let me crawl out of this little hole here for a second. It has been about three months since I last updated this blog. That has been for a reason: life has been freakin' hard. I decided (at the encouragement of others) to just focus on being well for a little while instead of worrying about keeping everybody in the loop. And to be honest, for a few months, blogging was the least of my concerns. But today, glorious today, I am feeling good and thought that I would take advantage of it to write a little about my experience.

There is no way to put into words what the experience of these past few months has been like. And it is daunting to think about summing them up. So I won't. Maybe time and space and healing will allow for me to write more fully about the experience. I pray it will because I believe that when we tell our stories they have the opportunity to give someone else strength or hope or freedom. I know that I often rely on the stories and experiences of other women to give me strength and guidance. So I hope to do that in small ways as well. Let's give it some time.

After my surgery in late August, and when we found out that the cancer was invasive in September, I retreated to my corner. No longer did I feel like the strong face of young women with breast cancer. I needed to retreat to my corner and let a handful of my people in my corner take care of me. And take care of me they did. I completed a very intense 4 rounds of chemo (AC) from mid-September to mid-Nobember. During those months I was usually in "survival mode," unable to think about anything beyond getting calories in my body and getting sleep for my body. Thankfully, I had my Handful to take care of me on a very basic level, even if they couldn't do much for me. They drove me to appointments, held my hand, made me meals, let me rest, and held me when I despaired. They reminded me over and over, "Katie, you can do this. We are here with you. Keep holding onto the rope. And when you feel like letting go, we will hold you onto the rope. God is good and God is love, even when it is too dark to see it." Thank you, Handful, for speaking those reminders to me with words and actions.

That is all that I will say about that at this point. There is much more to say, and maybe I will, in time. Currently, I am in the second phase of chemo and have weekly rounds of chemo until January 30th. This second drug compound (Taxol and Herceptin) that I am getting is much more tolerable. That is huge. Tolerable is the best thing since sliced bread. I have gone from feeling "horrible" to simply "bad."  Yay! In all honesty, I could not be more grateful for that.

Thank you for the small ways that each of you support me. I continue to rely on my Handful for most support these days. But you can continue to pray for strength and peace as I go through this chemo treatment. On my good days, I am very aware of Strength and Peace in my life. On my bad days, I trust the people around me to believe it for me for a time.

May Peace be with you, as well.
Katie